Remembering Retro: Monthly Reminders for a Happy Marriage

Could “Old Fashioned” practices offer greater longevity, pleasure, and stability to your marriage? Many relationship experts interviewed from a recent article that I expand upon here, respond with a resounding “YES.”

Today's married couples may be well advised to emulate some of the successful strategies of their happily married parents and grandparents –from maintaining same-sex friends to even sleeping in separate beds! “Baby boomers and younger generations got sold on the psychology of “being authentic” which unfortunately has given rise to assume permission to speak and treat each other with disrespect."

Two recently reissued books originally published in 1913; “Don’ts for Husbands and Don’ts for Wives” contain hundreds of tried-and-true tips for a happy marriage. Advice for wives includes such tidbits as; “don’t let him have to search the house for you after his day’s work. Listen for his latch-key and meet him on the threshold,” and “don’t bother your husband with chatter if he is tired.” And for husbands; “don’t hesitate to mention the fact when you think that your wife looks exceptionally nice,” and “don’t scowl or look severe; cultivate a pleasant expression.” Of course, all this goes without saying, life is a two way street. So for our initial Retro Relationship Tip:

#1 Reinstate Civility“Please, “ “thank you”, “pardon me”, “may I”; these seem to be phrases that seem to have all be vanished from our present day vocabularies. Unfortunately, especially with our loved ones. Extending to your partner the same courtesy you would a stranger. When speaking to your spouse trying more sweetness and tenderness, saying things lovingly. Use a combination of old-school civility as well as modern frankness. Employing respectfulness.

Psychotherapist and author Tina Tessina, PhD, concurs; politeness is like a lubricant for our daily interactions; it makes everything go more smoothly.”

Joyce Morley-Ball, EdD, counselor advises; “Show her that chivalry is not dead; Pull out her chair, open the door for her, help her put on her coat, give her your coat when it is cold outside. These simple acts of affection shows that she is important and there is a level of respect for her.”

There is a plethora of wisdom we can gain from graciousness and gentleness of previous generations especially with the technology and savvy of today’s marriages.

It is my aim, and desire these next 12 months to reignite the passion of the promises made.

Colossians 3:12-17 New International Version (NIV)

12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility,gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Communication in Marriage

Communication is the lifeline of marriage. From the beginning to the end, it determines the potential of every area of a relationship. Whether it is money, children, romance, sex or household chores, being able to openly and successfully talk things over is crucial to marital harmony.

Of course, just as in other areas, men and women are very different when it comes to communication. One of the essential differences that must be understood is the encryption that is necessary when speaking to the opposite sex. Let me explain...

Men and women hear through their deepest needs and inner natures. For example, a woman's deepest need is security. She needs to know that her husband is sensitive to her and that he is sacrificially committed to her on every level. When she is secure, her heart is free to live and love.

A man's deepest need is honor. He needs to know that his wife esteems and respects him. Everything his spouse does or says passes through the "honor filter" and dramatically affects his outlook on life and attitudes concerning their relationship.

When we understand our deepest needs and those of our spouse we must also realize that our communication must match our spouse's nature in order to be successful. Another way to say it is this: When we are communicating in a manner that violates our spouse's inner nature and deepest needs, it will create hurt, frustration and conflict.

When a man communicates with a woman, regardless of what is being said on any given subject, every word must be spoken with "security encryption." In attitude, tone, body language and every other way successful communication to women always conveys this message: "I love you and am totally committed to our relationship. I will sacrifice to meet your needs. You are on my heart and are my first priority." Unsuccessful communication is sent without this encryption and that is why it fails.

When a woman communicates with a man she must also equip every word she says with "honor encryption." Everything she says to him must convey this message: "I respect and honor you. You are a good man and I believe in you. I am your greatest supporter and biggest fan. I am proud of you and will stand by your side forever." Anything spoken without this encryption will violate his deepest need and inner nature and therefore fail to influence him as desired.

We must understand that when we are communicating with someone of the opposite sex they are made much different from us. Every word we say is encoded with an attitude that our spouse can intuitively pick up on. If you have been struggling in the area of communication, maybe you are having encryption problems.

Blessings